Well, I wasn’t sure if I actually had a real visible bump or if it was just bloating (because it would get bigger and smaller throughout the day) but there is no question now that the bump is real. Andy and I had a chance to go to the ESPYS (ESPN award show) this weekend and I was desperately trying to fit into a Dolce & Gabbana dress that was NOT made for pregnant ladies. I didn’t eat any gluten for two days hoping I could avoid any extra bloating. Luckily, I just barely got my dress on. The bump wasn’t too terrible at the beginning but by the end of the night anyone could tell I was pregnant. The good news, we only saw a couple people we knew so it wasn’t hard to keep the secret. I had to be very careful picking the pictures I shared online, but after I posted the first one I realized you could totally see the bump! Oh well, not long now before we announce the pregnancy anyway.
This week, I started really thinking about what it means to be nearing the end of my first trimester. Well, if I’m completely honest I thought the first trimester ended the day I turned 12 weeks, but it’s actually the END of the 12th week/beginning of the 13th…whoops. I guess I must have been thinking that because the risk of miscarriage drops significantly after 12 weeks, that it must have also been the end of the first trimester. Anyway, all of the feelings I have about this pregnancy started rushing in all at once. I was lying in bed with Andy one night and just said to him “I am completely terrified.” The fact that I am really having another baby is starting to set in. I was so convinced that because it took me so long to get pregnant with Lily there was no way I could get pregnant on the first try and have the baby survive. I know that is a really sad way to think, but it’s true. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and so I feel hyper aware of how possible and frankly how common they are. Every time I feel a cramp, twinge or something hits my stomach a little too hard, I am absolutely terrified. I’ve just been convinced that this wouldn’t work out and now that it seems like it is, I have a different type of fear.
The memories of the first 6 months of Lily’s life come rushing back to me. I think about being so tired I could barely keep my eyes open and holding Lily while she screamed uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I think most about how terrible breastfeeding was. Even though I’m quite seasoned now, I don’t look forward to nursing every two hours for many weeks followed by months of not being able to be without the baby or my pump for more than a few hours. How can I do this again and still handle a needy toddler? I want to give Lily all I have but I know I will want the same with this new baby. I know I’m not the only mom in the world to have more than one child or to even have the same fears, but a part of me feels very alone. Andy is a supportive husband but he will never understand what those first few months are like for me. A partner can be really helpful early on but if mom is breastfeeding, baby wants MOM all the time. Those middle-of-the-night wakeups are for mom’s breasts. And to be honest even if your partner offers to give the baby a bottle, your boobs won’t let you sleep so you’d pump anyway. It’s a vicious cycle. I know so many women with new babies right now and hearing their stories make it all come rushing back to me.
It’s not that I’m not excited, trust me I am. The greatest thing I ever did was give birth to Lily and as chaotic as it may be with two, I know it will be just as great eventually. I know when I feel that first kick I will be just as excited as I was the first time around. I think it’s important to be honest about the bad and the good. We should all share these feelings with other mommies so no one needs to feel alone!
My second ultrasound is this Thursday! This will be when we get the genetic blood testing done and should know the sex within the next two weeks. Keep ya in the loop!